This is for anyone who thinks all of Canada is tundra-land.

Last week I was listening to a weather update on my local radio station.

Announcer: Today there will be periods of cloud with temperatures dropping overnight. Tomorrow's high will reach (pause for dramatic effect) minus one.

For those not familiar with the metric system Minus one Celsius is equivalent to 30 degrees Fahrenheit.

So there you have it. We here on the southern section of our not so little island feel a little panicky about just below freezing temperatures. Knowing that, imagine how most feel about this:

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Well. Um, I was going to post a current picture of our weather drama but it seems our camera-computer cord has gone south for the winter. As soon as I find it I will add the photo documentation.

A change of plan...

I was going to blog about my alone-time-at-work shift. I was going to do it tonight. I've decided that I'm going to write about it in the morning and watch Heroes right now!

Check in with you tomorrow...

Percolation...

My new department shuffle has brought with it professionally inept scheduling. This has given me a fair measure of concern as, today, I am supposed to be in two places at once. Last night I was trying to work it all out. Kitten had said she'd read in bed until I arrived to tuck her in. After a half hour or so, while I was still absorbed in trying to decide my course of action, I heard a knock at my door. It was Kitten, coming to say goodnight. She was falling asleep and was tired of waiting. We did out night-nights right there beside my bed and she headed back to her room, a touch hang-dog.

When I left my room a few moments later, she met me in the bathroom, trying to hide her face. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied, "nothing," like a good little member of my family. Now, I'm trying to break the cycle of poor communication so I said, "Okay," and began to walk away. She cut in, then, and poured her heart out.

She needs the connection of being tucked in at night. She is so sad that I no longer have early days. She says that it doesn't feel like home now that I'm not here. I added that I hardly feel like I belong as my role has changed so much and I can't be that which I desperately want.

We talked and talked. We cried and hugged.

I have a plan...

EARTHQUAKE! .... ... No - wait... it's just the spin cycle.

Not one to point out the issues in my surroundings (HA!) but if our washer isn't perfectly balanced, the whole house shakes. Now I'm not talking a little vibration, here. I mean that everything, from one end of the house to the other, rattles. Mirrors, bookcases, dishes - you name it, it's-a-shakin'!

In other news, I have just had the single least productive (for me) weekend since I decided to use my days off, rather than lose myself in facebook for two days. I had my mind set on completing a few tasks. Of course, as I grump about wasting my time, I've come up with several other things that I would love to have accomplished. Maybe it's time to make a list. I've proven to myself that I am a remarkable forgetter so it makes sense that a list is the best, next-step.

So, here's my list.

Things to do on Tuesday and Wednesday:

1. Clean the truck, interior.

2. Gather and sort art work.

• decided what is being posted, where.
• complete incomplete pieces
• upload drawings to deviantArt and/or Zazzle

3. Practice increases and decreases, knitting.

4. Check out Etsy

5. Snuggle and read with my girl... I miss her.

6. Continue with the de-fleaing process (friggin' cat)(friggin' me, for not wanting to go all chemical on her ass)

I'm sure I'll think of more things before next week but for now this'll do nicely.


Tomorrow, I'm finally getting the bit of training that I've been requesting for the past month. They have scheduled me (and another cashier) for a two hour walkabout in the lumber yard. Now, I've already figured out most of the stuff that comes out of the yard, but it will be nice to be able to direct inquiring customers to what they want, rather than to someone who can answer better than I. That's getting a bit tired in my opinion. Yes, if it bugged me that much, I could have gone in (on my days off) to walk around, find stuff and ask the yard guys about the things I was unsure of. I could have... I understand and live by a certain level of proactive behaviour. I mean, within my first month of this job I had management letting me know that I was already 'right up there' with the senior cashiers. I've heard nothing but kudos on my job performance. It's called work-ethic, and I have it. However, I am not paid nearly enough nor treated well enough to want to be there without seeing the results on my paycheque (ha, that word looks so funny. I love Canadian English).

And on all of these notes, I am off to vacuum Kitten's room and wash her bedding and bathe the cat (hehehe). I think I'll clip the wee demon's claws before I toss her into the tub.

Finally growing up…

I grew up with the label “Wise beyond her Years.” I was a very observant child and because of that a lot of my knowledge seemed instinctive and rather like common sense. Whether it was relationships or life in general, it all just made sense to me.

I should qualify all this by saying that I was a font of sage advice but I was really lousy about using that knowledge in my own life. In fact, I made all the wrong decisions when it came to my own path. I dropped out of school. I had every intention of getting pregnant at sixteen and succeeded, brilliantly. I dated abusive losers and ‘dealt’ with it using alcohol. I grew into a career welfare-mom - which, for the record, I have no prejudice or bias against, but it was a cop- out for me. I didn’t choose stay-at-home mom-hood because that’s what I really wanted to be. I chose it because I was too afraid to try anything else.

Any time I have stepped outside of my comfort zone, I’ve let my anxiety eat at me until my only option was ‘disability.’ If wallowing were an Olympic sport, I’d have a trophy room full of gold medals. Never have I pushed through the intense ‘I don’t want to…’ until this past September. I think the difference this time was that I didn’t have a choice. There was no bail-out, no crutch, no magical way back to quasi-safety. My family was vulnerable and I was their salvation.

Transition is never easy. At first, I thought I was dying and then, when I didn’t die, I wished I would. I spent a few weeks there, in that hellish place. During that time, even when I had good weeks my days off were stressed by thoughts of having to go ‘back to that place.’ And then, without really noticing, I was okay. Not only that but my life was changing in ways I hadn’t even imagined.

Flip to today. I spent my morning getting Kitten to her swim lesson (it’s a 13-26 minute drive, depending on highway traffic) by 11, and subsequently chatting it up with home-schooling Moms until noon. Wolf was up sick most of the night so it was just me, today. At the lesson’s end, Kitten took her requisite 15 minutes to change out of her swim gear Then we drove 20 minutes back home to eat lunch and pick up Wolf so we could head back into town to do a “whack of running around” that he needed to get done.

During this time I had my first of two epiphanies. We had been walking for about two and a half hours when Wolf asked me if I was okay with being out all day. I replied that I was no longer thinking of my Tuesday/Wednesday weekend as ‘days off.’ After all, life doesn’t stop so it makes more sense to think of it as ‘days not at work.’ Wolf commended me on the overall mental health in that statement and I’ve been repeating it to myself ever since, hoping that I will feel better about it the more it reverberates through my head.

A couple of hours later we were eating dinner. Wolf had shovelled a forkful of piping hot food into his mouth. When he exhaled trying to cool his mouth, he shot steam worthy of a dragon from his lips. We all laughed and I tried to do the same thing but my food had cooled too much. I said, “If that had worked for me, this place would be way too cold.” That is the moment the second revelation hit. I realized that it wasn’t too cold in our house. That was the first time I had ever had that thought during winter months.

We do keep our house cool, about 15C - that’s 59F if you’re Imperial. This year, due to unforeseen growth, I have taken to wearing weather appropriate clothing. This means no more shorts and tank tops, even in the house. I wear slippers, with or without socks. It’s the wildest thing.

So, throughout this growth phase of mine, I somehow moved beyond a sense of entitlement I didn’t even know I had. Will the wonders ever cease?!

My mother gave me some stuff to think about. I'm thinking about it.


My place of employment has a no-cell-phone policy. Not only do I blatantly disregard this policy, I told my team-lead, floor manager and store manager that the policy didn't apply to me. With Wolf's health the way it is and he being a house-husband and home-schooler to our kidlet, I want Kitten to have a easy way to reach me in case of emergency. I didn't want her to have to call work and have me paged to 'line 101,' so to speak. That's too much work for a panicked almost-eleven-year-old. Generally, the only incoming calls I get are from home so my phone has become 'for emergencies only!'

I didn't realize that my phone was off until almost half way through my shift today. When I saw the blank screen, I started to shake. I turned it on, all the while wondering if there was going to be a voice-mail waiting. I envisioned all the possibilities through the eyes of terror. Being the good employee that I am, I couldn't call home until my lunch break. And everything was fine.

Wolf's doctor said he's 'almost positive' it isn't Wolf's brain that's the issue. Almost positive. I told Wolf I wanted that in writing so I could sue his ass back to the stone age in the event that his confidence is once again misplaced.

And now I'm going to get to the business at hand. I'm home for the weekend and I've a family that I've missed terribly this week.

Road trip.

Things I learned from Thursday to Sunday.

I learned (Thursday) that:

• leaving late doesn't mean arriving late.
• speeding is relative to the rate at which the traffic around you is moving.
• manifestation works, at least in terms of catching a ferry in time.
• eating more veggies makes one hell of a lot more stopping for gas... and then some.
• making good time at the beginning of the day doesn't necessarily mean coming out on top at the end of that same day.
• it doesn't matter how old you are when it comes to sneaking in to your dad's house without waking him, it still gets your heart pumping.
• my sister is/was better at sneaking in than I was, which explains a lot...
  
• it's easier to make my sister laugh when she's nervous... and she swears more (heh)
• it's getting easier to fall asleep in a bed that isn't my own.

(Friday)

• my dad gets up really early!
• he loves his kids and pleasant surprises.
• sixty four doesn't mean old.
• prairie heat is gorgeous.
• say what you want, no matter what you think others want to hear.
• there's no such thing as perfect, and sadness is always an option.
• it's really hard to fall asleep when I'm sad.

(Saturday)

• success can be measured in smiles.
• the older the people in my life get, the more amazing they become.
• the people in my life feel the same about me.
• I am fully capable of smiling and continuing even if I'm scared and overwhelmed.
• my Dad has touched peoples lives and they're thankful.
• if I am willing to accept it, there is immeasurable support out there for me.
• I have a whole other family, really!
• it is hard to go to bed the night before the road-trip home.

(Sunday)

• there are no mountains like the Rocky Mountains.
• Calaway park is still there, but bigger than it was 20 years ago.
• it takes longer for my cell phone to realize we've changed timezones when returning home than when leaving home.
• I don't need to take a picture to make a moment memorable. In fact, it can often ruin the moment, altogether.
• that my sister is hilarious and amazing and loaded down with just as much baggage as am I. (When looking at a line of cars on the highway, trapped behind the slow guy she said, "Look. Pace car... in other words, 'Mom.'" and related to me a conversation she and Mom had had years ago. "Mom, you know that you're supposed to pass in the left lane but travel in the right, right?" "Yes" "Well, do you think that you should change lanes and let the people behind you pass?" "They're going plenty fast enough." You gotta love her! Well, I do, anyway.)
• leaving late doesn't mean arriving late.
• manifestation works, again, in terms of catching a ferry in time.
• after 11 hours of sitting on my ass in a hot car there is enough moisture in the crack of my ass to cultivate mushrooms and moss.
• that I am allowed to be a barefoot hippy and I love it!
• no matter how badly I wanted a vacation, my favourite part was when my daughter launched herself into my arms at the end of it.

It's good to be home.