"I want life to be simple again," she says, while wondering if it ever actually was. "I'm so tired.  My therapist says I'm bored, and while there is much truth in that statement, it is so not that straightforward."

I'm too tired to expand on these musings but now that I have my room set up in a way that kind of works (for now), I can see myself writing more.  Not necessarily here, but I will be writing somewhere.  I'm enjoying the feel of keys beneath my fingers again. Therapeutic, the muted click and rhythmic, mindlessness of typing.  Thank whatever/whoever for spellcheck because I no longer care to backspace. Get it out and clean it up later. 

For now, goodnight.

Dear mom...

I know it's a common theme for parents to want better for their children- hell, I feel the same regarding Kitten- but it is no longer your place to decide what's good enough for me. Feel however you want, that's yours, but I'm having a tough time with having it foisted upon me. I'm sorry that you don't feel that I'm growing fast enough. I'm sorry my life isn't as you want it to be- that I'm not coming to your conclusions (or that I may be, but not fast enough). I'm seeing even more clearly that it's about the journey and I hate to tell you this but I may never reach the outcome that you want for me. You see, you want what's best for me but you see "best" through the filter of your own story. You want for me the outcome you wish you'd had, and that just wouldn't be right for me. It's not personal! I'm not punishing you by traveling my road any more than I was punishing you when I weaned before you were ready! Please mom, take your heartbreak and own it! Stop blaming us because until you do, you can't nurture anything more than the "injustice" that feeds you!

And I am mortally tired of not being good enough.

Day Eleven - In Remembrance.

I'm taking the evening to process and be thankful.  Remembering is important.  Feeling is hard.