Realizations.

We're halfway through NaBloPoMo and I have a bit of a problem. I don't want to do this anymore. Not just for the sake of writing... well, crap, really. I've looked back through the entries here and compared them with my Cheers blog (where everybody knows my naaaame...) and the quality of writing is so very different.

I created this blog with the purpose of starting over. I wanted to have a place where no-one knew me and where my old emotional crap couldn't find me. As a result, I'm not really here. The words in these entries are straight forward, calm and without any style whatsoever. Trust me, the stuff I've written this month is garbage.

Now, I'm going to finish the NaBloPoMo challenge. It's who I am. I'm one of those, "If you can, do!" people. This is hardly a challenge for me, to come here everyday and write something - anything. Writing is one of my favourite things to do. Writing is easy. Writing something worth reading, however, is another thing altogether. So, I will complete the challenge in the same way and for the same reason that I complete every a game of Algerian Patience Solitaire. Because I can.


"What about at the end of this challenge? What are you going to do, then?" you may be asking... oh wait. I have no readership!! No one's asking anything! Ha. Well, that sure takes the pressure off of me. There's no one here to disappoint or say good bye to. Phew!

Well then, I think I'll take that comforting thought with me as I grab a coffee and shower. I've two days left in this work week and I plan on using them as wisely as I possibly can.


Oh yeah, and I slept like crap last night. I'm facing this day on about 4 hours of sleep. I'm actually a touch bummed that it isn't raining. In fact, it's near cloudless and if it stays this way, the store just may be busy.

Sh*t.

Something's gotta give...

I overslept again. I only lost a half hour which is a good thing, and my shift didn't start until 9 am. A week of sleeplessness is beginning to take its toll and if I don't sleep tonight, I fear that I'll be totally useless tomorrow. I've a 6:30 am start time and the only happiness I can glean from this resides in the fact that tomorrow is my Friday. One more day, that's all. One more day and that day ends at 3 pm.

We need the break, all of us. Wolf hasn't had a decent night's sleep since last Sunday and his health is declining rapidly. I'm trying to avoid spending too much energy in fear but it's turning out to be harder than I can manage, right now. I am fearful by nature - anxiousness bordering on paranoid - and lack of sleep makes everything worse.

*Sigh*

I'm feeling a little bit tangled and unable to concentrate. My mother just left a message on my voice mail. I should probably return the call. It's been close to a month since we last spoke and that's not really okay.

Hopefully tomorrow will prove to be a touch easier...

I wish...

I want to be rich. I know, everyone wants this... well, except the rich, themselves who just want to be more rich. But I want it more, you see. I almost neeeed it!

This idea hit me this morning when I launched myself out of bed at 6:48 on this, the last day of my weekend. Why would I abandon my nest of cozy warmth, my haven of relaxation and peace, in such a manner if it wasn't absolutely necessary? Because it was. Absolutely necessary.

Last night, when Wolf and I snuggled in to sleep, we took up our usual sleeping positions. I rolled away from him while he curled up around me. It's a very comfortable set up until about four hours later when he's sleeping on his belly in the middle of the bed and I can't roll over because there'll be no room to bend my knees unless I hung my ass off the side of the bed. I find it much easier to doze with my knees over-hanging than my backside.I know, I'm so high maintenance, hey?

Then, a couple of hours later I notice the same thing, only now, I'm actually falling off the bed. Good wife that I am, I communicate my need for his repositioning by ramming my back firmly into him and grunting in semi-coherent quasi-English. He responds, accordingly, by giving me just enough bed to keep me on the edge but not actually falling.

By quarter to seven the tension in my neck from remaining immobile, perched on the very edge of our bed was so extreme that my head was throbbing.

Good Morning!

Now, you may be asking what this all has to do with untold riches. Let me tell you. A good bed is quite expensive. We largely rely on a freebie website for our new/recycled. In fact, that site is how we got rid of garbage bags full of out-grown clothes, an unused Wizard organ (which sounds kind of heinous, depending on how you read it), and our queen-sized bed. Yes, our sizable, comfortable (imho) well fitting bed. We currently sleep on a high quality double mattress.

I shouldn't complain. It is a very good bed. The issue is that Wolf and I are somewhat unbalanced in the size and weight dept. He's about two of me. Without the optional buffer zone between us, I just can't compete. He's bigger, stronger (even and especially while sleeping) and dead-weightier.

So, here I sit, thinking about how wonderful it would be to run out to the nearest furniture store for a big slab of post sunset bliss without going into debt. Debt makes me lose sleep which I would definitely find counter-productive.

Feel sorry for me, yet?