Saturday, November 8, 2008

Dreams and Sacrifice...

I love the fine and the literary arts with a passion. So intense is this feeling that I would give up online gaming and all facebook applications (including the ones I actually like) for the ability to make either art a profession. I might even reconsider my ‘nicotine addiction.’

This dream for me holds such hope, such possibility! The ability to telecommute or to work from home in some way would open the door between my past and a future of which I actually want to be a part. I have left behind my stay-at-home-homeschooling-mom status for only two months and I still hate it. I thought it would get easier, that I would learn to accept it, if nothing else. All that has happened is that I've missed out on two months of doing and being what I love - oh, and personal growth/challenging old patterns and bad habits. My daughter continues to grow and mature. She continues to learn, though not necessarily what or how I would teach. I have put aside my values for ten lousy dollars an hour and none of us are happy about it.

Then, I have my husband. Wolf's health is such a challenge, right now. Yesterday, about an hour before I left for work, he passed out in the kitchen. It was the worst I've seen yet, complete with seizure, a full minute unconscious and about ten minutes of disorientation before he could pick himself up off the floor. I cannot tell you how much it kills me to still leave for a job that sucks the life out of me, knowing that the person I'm leaving in charge at home is five weeks away from her eleventh birthday. It's just not right. (Add to all of that the fact that I spent my last two hours at work, yesterday, without seeing a single customer, so dismal was the weather.)

So, I scour internet freelance sites, government job-posting sites, e-bay, hoping to find inspiration and the strength to bring that motivation past the 'I wish' phase. In between searches I love my family, sleep and work.

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